Falling Into “the Gorge”: Understanding Grief and Finding a Way Through
Grief isn’t linear. It doesn’t arrive with clear instructions or follow predictable stages. It’s a landscape — raw, vast, and often unforgiving. Actress Aubrey Plaza, who lost her husband to suicide this year, described grief as “the gorge,” a metaphor that resonates deeply for anyone navigating loss.
Plaza’s imagery captures something many of us feel but struggle to explain: the way grief reshapes the terrain of our lives.
It’s disorienting. The loss alters everything you thought was solid beneath you.
It’s exhausting. Climbing takes strength you may not feel you have.
It’s nonlinear. There’s no straight path out; healing involves ascents, slips, and pauses.
Grief’s Unexpected Partner
While grief is often expected to bring waves of sadness or even depression, one of its most surprising and enduring companions is anxiety—a lingering sense of unease that can surface long after the initial shock of loss has passed.
Physical Symptoms
Racing heart, shortness of breath, or chest tightness
Muscle tension, headaches, and stomach discomfort
Difficulty sleeping, frequent waking, or nightmares
Heightened startle response and feeling “on edge”
Cognitive Symptoms
Intrusive thoughts about the loss or fear of future losses
Excessive worry about safety—either your own or loved ones’
Feeling unable to concentrate or make decisions
Overestimating threats and underestimating your ability to cope
Emotional Symptoms
Restlessness, irritability, or a sense of dread
Feeling constantly “revved up,” as though something bad is about to happen
Emotional numbness alternating with waves of panic
Heightened sensitivity to reminders of the loss
Behavioral Patterns
Avoidance of places, people, or conversations that trigger reminders
Over-checking behaviors—such as calling loved ones frequently to ensure their safety
Withdrawal from social interactions out of fear of being overwhelmed
Seeking constant reassurance to calm fears
Why does anxiety present with grief?
Loss of Safety and Control
Grief is inherently destabilizing. When someone or something central to your life is gone, your nervous system recognizes that the world is less predictable. Anxiety emerges as the body’s way of scanning for danger and trying to “prevent” another catastrophe.Activation of the Stress Response
Significant loss often puts the body into a prolonged stress response. Elevated cortisol and adrenaline levels can cause persistent hyperarousal, making it harder to relax or feel safe.Fear of Further Loss
After experiencing loss, the brain becomes hypersensitive to the possibility of future losses. Everyday separations, delays, or unexpected changes can trigger intense worry or panic.Unprocessed Emotions and Uncertainty
When grief is complex or overwhelming, the mind sometimes channels unresolved feelings into anxiety. Anxiety can feel more “manageable” than sitting fully with sorrow, so the psyche shifts focus toward worrying instead of processing pain.Cognitive Overload
Grief forces a reorganization of your identity, relationships, and sense of meaning. The brain, already taxed by sadness and fatigue, becomes more vulnerable to spiraling thoughts and catastrophic thinking.
How to Treat It
Grief is not a disorder. But to move into adaptive stages, research-based approaches such as ketamine assisted psychotherapy and EMDR can support the brain’s natural healing process with greater ease and emotional integration. This can be particularly helpful for those who find talk therapy alone too activating.
Lake Austin Psychotherapy offers grief care across Texas using counseling, EMDR and ketamine assisted psychotherapy to accelerate the recovery process. Schedule a free one-hour session with one of our experienced clinicians. We have immediate availability for grief therapy, EMDR, and ketamine assisted psychotherapy in Austin and across Texas via telehealth. (Private transportation for ketamine assisted psychotherapy is also provided from Austin, Houston, Dallas and San Antonio.)